Some common sharing from many female clients that I work with: They feel stuck in their lives, but they do not know how to get out of it; They love their family, but they can’t stand their parents. What can we do about it?
How is it like being a Girl in your Family?
Have you ever felt like you are not good enough?
Have you ever felt like you are not accepted as who you truly are?
Have you ever felt like you need to earn your parents’ love by doing what they expect you to?
Your parents’ relationship has been rocky. They both escaped the war. They met each other at the refuge camp. They married and decided to stay together until this day even though there is no more love. They have their own traumas, and they deal with them in their own ways. And it affects everything.
You have a family, but do you feel like you’ve never felt connected to them.
How is your relationship with your mother?
Your mother is very critical of you. Nothing you do is good enough for her. She often tells you: “What’s the point of you doing this, if I have to go it again.” And when I did something that was not to her liking, she would yell at me or hit me. She said that it was discipline, but I felt that it was more than that. She has this anger at my father that she poured out on me. As a kid, I never understood why I was yelled at or hit so often. And after the punishment, my mother would come and hug me. It was confusing. You know that your parents do love you, but they hurt you too. It’s a conflicting kind of love.
How is your relationship with your father?
Your father is very strict and rigid in his thinking. He looks at the world as if it tries to hurt us. He often tells you: “You can’t trust anyone. Only we love you because we are family.” But somehow, you do not feel that love from your family at all.
Even though your parents always tell you that they treat you and your younger brother the same. But as the oldest daughter, you see with your own eyes the different treatments. You were both raised under the same roof, and he came out “normal”. He is a manager in a large firm. He married. So what’s wrong with you? Moving from one job to another. Still single…
You were never a bad kid. In fact, you always tried to be perfect for your parents. You tried to please others, so you could feel good about yourself.
Do you feel like you do not have anyone to talk to about your feelings and thoughts? As long as you do what is expected of you, everybody, including you, thinks that you are fine. You just keep pushing things down. You just work to get through the day. You don’t have the capacity to do anything else, let along taking care of yourself. Until one day, you cannot go on like that any longer…
Before Covid, you were able to leave the house to go to work. But it was very draining. When you were at work, you couldn’t focus. You thought about so many things that were not work-related. When you left work, you thought about your work excessively. You worried whether you had done a good job or not. You were not present at all with what was going on.
Covid made it worse. You had the option of working from home, so you didn’t even have to get out of the house. That was the only reason why you could work. Until you could not even get out of bed to turn the computer on.
Do you feel so much that your body just shuts down? Do you freeze when you feel too overwhelmed?
Are you scared that you will be stuck like this forever? That you won’t be able to get out of this depression? You don’t want to hurt yourself, but you don’t want to continue living like this. Your parents see you like this, and it’s hard for them to understand. They think that you just need to take a break from work, and you will be ok again. You feel guilty though: “Why can’t I be strong? My parents have it worse than me and they still can function. What’s wrong with me?”
Above is common sharing from many female clients that I work with. They feel stuck in their lives, but they do not know how to get out of it. They love their family, but they can’t stand their parents.
If you feel relatable, I want you to know that: It doesn’t have to be this way. Once you learn the right tools and techniques, you can be better equipped to deal with your parents. And your relationship with them can be improved. There is a way out of this mess. There is Hope!
Tracy Nguyen 