Why is it always about the money?

It’s Friday night, and you are in the mood to order some pizza.

You: Dad,  I am ordering pizza. Would you like any?

Your dad: Why do you want to order pizza? We have lot of food at home.

Here we go again. Whenever you order something home to eat, your parents would complain about how expensive it is. They believe that you are wasting money. Even though if you offer them some of the food, they would happily accept. You don’t get it: What they are complaining about if they did not have to spend any money, and they enjoy the food just as much as I do?  And yet, they eat, and complain about it all at the same time and tell you not to waste your money like that next time.

It’s the same questions:

Do you need to buy that?

Why do you want to buy that? Is it necessary? Do you need it?

Do you really need to spend money on that? What do you need it for?

It’s the same messages:

Don’t spend too much money.

You need to save for rainy days. We don’t know what the future holds.

With the unpredictable economy like now, how can you be sure that your job is guarantee?

If you want to have a family of your own one day, you should start saving for a house down payment.

It’s the constant worry about money. And you are tired of it.

You understand that your parents came here to Canada with nothing. They had to start from scratch with nobody to rely on. With 2 little ones to take care of, it made more sense for your mom to stay home, and take care of you and your sister. Your dad had to work two jobs to make ends meet. Growing up, you only saw him in the weekend, and all he did at home was to watch tv. He was so drained and exhausted from his manual laboring jobs that he had no energy left to check up on you kids.

For your parents, money was tight. Yor overheard them arguing about money. Mom would ask for more money for grocery, as you kids’ appetite kept expanding as you kept growing. On top of that, family members back home would call from times to times asking for money. It could be anything: Some uncle needed money for an urgent surgery; Some auntie just passed, they needed money for a wedding or funeral; etc. Mom would not spend anything on herself. She would wear the clothes that dad does not want anymore. For her, clothing is not important. As long as it does not have any hole, it is good enough for her.  She would save every penny, and send back home whenever she has a chance. She always tells you kids that: It’s a blessing that we can come here to Canada. We have the duty to support those back home who don’t have. They depend on us.  Dad would tell her to make do; He already worked 2 jobs: What else do you want me to do? It was a constant fight about money.

Growing up, you guys never went out to eat as a family. The only place that you could go to for special occasions was McDonald. Whenever you got a Happy Meal, it made your day. You treasured the little toy that you got from there so much and you would play with it for days on end. You learned to go without things. Mom would give you bus fare money to get to school and back. You walked instead, and saved that money to buy toys or snacks. The moment you could work, you asked your mom if you could deliver newspaper. You found any odds jobs that would make you some money.

You have never been the type that is afraid of working. In fact, you worked so hard in school to get an University degree. And now, thanks to all your efforts, you landed a very good job with lots of benefits. Life is different now comparing to when they first came here. You get paid more in a month than what your dad made in a year. You make more than enough for yourself, and then some to save on the side. You know you are financially responsible. Plus, you’re still single, and no commitment yet. One day, you might want to marry and move out, but until then, you still want to spend time with your parents. You do contribute to the house, but it’s nothing comparing to paying rent outside. Your mom still cook your favorite meals. She still does the laundry for you. Your parents are just happy that you still want to live at home with them. And you want to enjoy your hard-earned money with your parents while you can. You think that your parents should be proud of you and appreciate you. But no, it’s quite the opposite. It’s the constant reminder of spending wisely or better yet, not spending at all.

It hurts whenever your parents talk to you about saving. For you, it is sign that they do not trust you and your decision-making. You might ask yourself:

Why don’t they trust me for once? When would they trust me?

I have always been so responsible yet they still don’t trust me.

This is so frustrating. This is my money. This is my life.

I am tired of they nagging me about saving all the time.

Am I not good enough for them?

Well, there are a few things that you can do to handle these kinds of situations in the future:

1. It might help to understand that your parents can tie money to their sense of Security. They never had that kind of financial security when they first came here. With so little they had, there was not much to go around. The lack of money was associated with stress and worries. So now, even though things are better, they still feel the need to save up, just in case.

1. The next time they start to nag you again about spending money, look them in the eyes, smile, and tell them calmly: “Thank you, Dad (or Mom), for trying to look out for me. I appreciate that you always want the best for me. I know that you want me to save as much as I can so I can have a good future. But what I really need right now is for you to believe in me. I want you to trust my decision making. I got this.” And if they continue to explain themselves thinking that you haven’t got the memo, you can tell them something along the line: “I know you mean well, Dad (or Mom). And I do appreciate your concern. However, if you continue to nag me about this, I will need to stop talking. I hope you understand, but I do not want to engage in this conversation any more. All I need from you right now is to trust me with my money. Allow me to make mistakes if I have to. I need to learn it for myself, not just by you constantly tell me what to do.”

1. It might be awkward in the beginning. But if you really mean what you say, and you say it calmly and collectively, they’ll eventually get the message. They might not know what to say next or change topics, but you won’t have to listen to the same message over and over again. Worst case scenario, they keep talking about it, just remove yourself from the room. Tell them something like: I gotta go. Sorry.

They might never change the way they relate to money. They might still believe that they need show you how they care by telling you what to do with your money. But you can change the way the conversation goes, but expressing how you want to be treated. When you express your appreciation for their good intention, you signal to them that you understand why they say what they say to you. You know that they do it out of love for you. When you tell them what you want them to say back to you, you teach them how to give you what you need from them at that time. Oftentimes, they love you deeply, but they do not know how to relate to you or give you the kind of support that you need as you get older. You still want their love, but you don’t need them to micro-manage you. You need their trust and moral support than their lectures. So help them out by literally giving them the words you want to hear, and ask them to repeat back to you. Once they realize that you are just trying to improve your relationship with each other, they will be more open to change. And you will have a much healthier relationship with your old folks.